Black Memories
by ChoCedric
Summary: What was going through Sirius's mind when the boggart in the drawing room of 12, Grimmauld Place turned into his beloved godson Harry, lying dead on the floor? Bitter memories consume him as he remembers his best friends lying in that same position.


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

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Black Memories

By: ChoCedric

"What's that you've got there, Mad-Eye?" Sirius Black asked, surveying the object Mad-Eye Moody had in his hand. There was currently a party going on at 12, Grimmauld Place for Ron and Hermione, who had just become prefects. Sirius hated the house with every fiber of his being, from the stuffed house-elf heads on the wall to his mother's shrieking portrait. Of all the places Dumbledore could lock him up, why did it have to be here? This was worse than Azkaban!

"The original Order of the Phoenix," Moody grunted, holding the picture up to Sirius's face.

Feelings and memories flew through Sirius's mind as he stared at the picture. All those people were looking so happy, but the two people who brought the most pain to his heart were Lily and James Potter. They were smiling and waving at the camera, unaware that their fates were soon to be sealed by the plump, watery-eyed man sitting between them. Sirius felt a poisonous anger erupt inside him as he stared at Peter Pettigrew. This man had ruined all their lives, taken so many chances away from Lily and James to live a full, contented life with their precious son.

Moody must have seen the look on Sirius's face, for he turned around so their smiling faces weren't visible anymore. Sirius's heart was pounding in his ears, and the urge to go after Peter was extremely violent. How dare that bastard betray his dearest friends and then frame him for doing it! Betraying James and Lily Potter was the last thing Sirius would ever do, and little Peter took advantage of that fact. Sirius felt sick to his stomach as he gazed around the room, feeling as though he wanted to escape from reality.

Remus came over to him and put a hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong?" he asked gently.

"Nothing," Sirius lied snappishly, not wanting to tell Remus about what he had just seen. He didn't want to remind him of all those years the werewolf had been lost and alone, and it was all Sirius's fault.

"Uh-oh," Moody then muttered. "Molly Weasley's having trouble with a boggart upstairs in the drawing room."

"I'll help," Remus volunteered, and Sirius, needing to get out of the stifling room, followed him, with Moody stumping along behind them.

When they reached the drawing room, they heard Mrs. Weasley sobbing and shouting, "Riddikulus! Riddikulus!"

"What's going on?" Remus asked, walking into the room. Sirius came in next, and what he saw filled him with a horror which he could not escape. There, lying on the floor, his lifeless green eyes staring, staring, staring up at the sky, was his beloved godson Harry.

"Riddikulus!" Remus shouted, and immediately Harry's body disappeared. But the image had been too much for Sirius, who was immediately tossed into a whirlpool of memories. James lying on the ground, his glasses askew, his lifeless hazel eyes staring glassily into the night sky, looking fiercely determined but terrified. Beautiful, vibrant Lily, lying by Harry's crib, her green eyes full of pleading. Little Harry, lying in Hagrid's arms, Sirius fearing he was dead too, until Hagrid told him otherwise. The memories raced through Sirius's mind, and he felt himself tearing in half, feeling the emotions all over again as he imagined Harry lying there, the life drained away from him.

Sirius was so immersed in his bitter memories that he didn't see Remus vanish the boggart as it turned into the full moon. They continued to flit through his mind, one after the other. He remembered four young boys who swore they'd be friends forever. He remembered hours and hours of practicing to become Padfoot so that he could help Remus. He remembered the entire story of the Marauders, a story which ultimately ended in tragedy. How could he not have seen that it was Peter all along, fat little Peter Pettigrew who'd been passing information to Voldemort for a year before Lily and James's deaths? It was unfathomable to him that he hadn't noticed. And now, their deaths were all his fault.

And, he thought viciously, that little rat is now the reason Voldemort's back in power. All the terror, all the horror, all the evil that was going to come was because of his ex-best friend. Sirius felt nauseous with the knowledge of it. He gazed at the spot where Harry's body had been, trying so hard to fight the emotions roiling within him.

"Oh--oh--oh!" sobbed Mrs. Weasley, putting her face in her hands. Sirius saw Remus go over to her to try to comfort her. "Molly," he said gently, "Molly, don't ..."

The woman rested her head on Remus's shoulder and continued to sob. "Molly, it was just a boggart ..." he said soothingly. "Just a stupid boggart ..."

"I see them d-d-dead all the time!" she shrieked, her words mirroring Sirius's thoughts. All those years in Azkaban he'd had James and Lily's dead bodies burning the backs of his eyelids, and the words "my fault, my fault, my fault, my fault ..." repeating inside his head. "All the t-t-time! I d-d-dream about it ..."

Sirius continued to stare fixedly at the spot where Harry's corpse had lain, failing to even notice that the real Harry was in the room. "D-d-don't tell Arthur," Mrs. Weasley gulped. "I d-d-don't want him to know. Being silly ..." Remus handed her a handkerchief, and she blew her nose. "Harry, I'm so sorry, what must you think of me?" she said shakily. "Not even able to get rid of a boggart ..."

Sirius finally looked up, and saw Harry, very much alive, standing in the room. "Don't be stupid," he said.

"I'm just s-s-so worried," she said, tears spilling out of her eyes again. "Half the f-f-family's in the Order, it'll b-b-be a miracle if we all come through this. ... and P-P-Percy's not talking to us. ... What if something d-d-dreadful happens and we had never m-m-made up? And what's going to happen if Arthur and I get killed, who's g-g-going to look after Ron and Ginny?"

Who's going to look after Harry if you and I get killed? Sirius could just picture Lily saying that to James. Well, that had been Sirius's job, and he'd totally messed up, running after Peter instead of caring for him and then having to spend twelve years in Azkaban. What a pathetic, useless godfather he was, now having to be cooped up in this Godforsaken house, unable to do anything helpful for the Order.

"Molly, that's enough," said Remus firmly. "This isn't like last time. The Order are better prepared, we've got a head start, we know what Voldemort's up to ..." Mrs. Weasley squeaked at hearing the name. "Oh, Molly, come on, it's about time you got used to hearing it--look, I can't promise no one's going to get hurt, nobody can promise that, but we're much better off than we were last time, you weren't in the Order then, you don't understand, last time we were outnumbered twenty to one by the Death Eaters and they were picking us off one by one. ..."

"Don't worry about Percy," said Sirius, feeling as though he needed to say something reassuring, even though turmoil was still choking him. "He'll come round. It's a matter of time before Voldemort moves into the open; once he does, the whole Ministry's going to be begging us to forgive them. And I'm not sure I'll be accepting their apology," he added bitterly, thinking of Fudge and how he'd tried, so many times, to tell the man he was innocent.

"And as for who's going to look after Ron and Ginny if you and Arthur died," said Remus, smiling slightly, "what do you think we'd do, let them starve?"

"Being silly," Mrs. Weasley repeated, smiling shakily and wiping her eyes.

"Come on, Molly, we'll go in the kitchen and I'll make a cup of tea," said Remus kindly. "Sirius?"

"I'm coming," said Sirius tonelessly, following Moody, Remus, and Mrs. Weasley out of the room.

As they settled into the kitchen and Remus made tea, he kept giving Sirius looks over his shoulder. The escaped convict knew Remus would try to talk to him later, but he really didn't want to. He kept seeing James's blank, lifeless eyes over and over again, and Lily's eyes had been so full of pleading that even the image broke his heart all over again. His hands shook hard as he grasped his tea cup, and his last thought before he took his first sip was: it's all my fault. Lily, James, please forgive me!


End file.
